Tierney Skewers Dobbs

It's "Fun with Lou Dobbs" courtesy of John Tierney in today's NY Times op ed.

Satire aside, I think he's a bit askew in his characterization of Lou's position, but, hey, what else is new?

Besides, Lou Dobbs is perfectly capable of defending himself, what with having his own daily news show and being a founder of CNN and all....

Border of Insanity
By John Tierney
The New York Times

This is a special edition of "Lou Dobbs Tonight," news, debate and opinion. Live from Pyongyang, North Korea, Lou Dobbs:

Good evening from North Korea. We had to go halfway around the world, but we've finally got good news for the working men and women of America angry about illegal immigration. Tonight you'll hear our exclusive report from the nation that proudly calls itself the Hermit Kingdom.

But first, more bad news from Washington. Despite my personal trip to Cancún for last week's summit meeting, President Bush remains hostage to foreign interests. My soaring ratings apparently mean nothing to the White House or the Senate Republicans working on an amnesty plan for the illegal immigrants now carrying Mexican flags through our streets.

Tonight's poll question deals with those protesters and where they get their money. As these reconquistadors plot to make California a province of Mexico, have they made a secret deal to turn the Los Angeles port over to an Arab company? Cast your votes at loudobbs.com. We'll have your answers later.

A report out today refutes the claims that the American economy benefits from immigration and free trade. If you're a regular viewer, you already know that's a myth. But maybe these figures will knock the rose-colored glasses off a few so-called mainstream economists. The new report, from the Minutemen Institute of Research Study Analysis, shows that previous cost-benefit estimates ignored three crucial factors:

• Since Nafta opened the border, the importing of cheap tortilla chips has worsened America's obesity epidemic by 475 million pounds.

• Intermarriage between immigrants and natives is expected to reduce the projected height of the average future worker, leading to a 2.4 percent decrease in earning potential.

• Americans lose 38.7 billion minutes of productive work time per decade sitting through telephone instructions to "dial 2 for Spanish."

Add in those costs, and the net loss to the American economy is $4.3 trillion. I can't say it often enough: there's nothing free about free trade.

No one understands that better than our hosts here in North Korea, the world's most economically independent nation. They know the hazards of foreign labor and foreign goods. "Buy North Korean" is more than a slogan here. Outsourcing is outlawed.

How do they stay strong? Let's find out from the North Korean military leader in charge of border security. Thank you for joining us, General —— excuse me, could you pronounce your name for our viewers?

No.

No?

That is an internal matter.

Ah. Let's talk about something that's no secret: the difference between our borders. Hundreds of thousands of Mexicans annually sneak into the U.S. How many people make it up here across your southern border each year?

Approximately zero.

I can believe it. I sure didn't see any South Korean flags on the streets today. We got nothing but blank looks when we asked for the hiring spot for foreign laborers. What's stopping them? Is the whole border fenced?

There are two fences across the Demilitarized Zone. Also thousands of artillery systems and land mines.

I wish you could brief President Vicente Fox of Mexico and members of Congress. I bet they've never thought of land mines — well, maybe Tom Tancredo has. And you also have 700,000 border agents?

The number of troops is classified.

But the point is, the message that our defeatists at home need to hear, is that with enough determination, you can seal the border. Nobody's digging tunnels under your fences, right?

Actually, a few have dug tunnels.

But you said that there have been virtually no crossings.

In this direction. Some of our citizens have fled south.

But what they could be looking for? You've got a self-sufficient economy.

These are isolated cases of mental delusion. They believe tales of places where workers own personal telephones and bicycles — even cars. [Laughs.] Fortunately, we apprehend most of them.

Well, the next time you catch one, I've got something you can share with him. I'd like to present you with a copy of my book "Exporting America."

A foreign book? No, thank you.

A man of principle. I respect that, General.

Up next, a tour of Pyongyang's finest restaurants, where you won't find any enchiladas — or Mexican busboys. Stay tuned as we bust the myth that there are some jobs North Koreans won't do.

Photo credit: John Tierney. (Fred R. Conrad/The New York Times)

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